Be honest, when is the last time a student stepped into your office, tears welling behind their eyes and a note from their teacher in hand after YOU just had a hectic 504 meeting before rushing to recess duty, followed by a small group that insisted on driving play dough into the rug?
Ok, fine, maybe that exact series of events hasn’t happened to you, but I’d bet you’ve been in a similar situation before.
Maybe you’re a parent who, upon seeing your kids every day after school, has found yourself settled into a “routine” that involves sending them to the table to do their homework while you scour lunches for anything re-packable and ask, “How was your day?” more halfheartedly than you’d ever like to admit?
Sounding familiar? If so, you’re not alone. As adults, it’s easy for us to go through the motions when talking to kids. There are tons of reasons why we may not be asking kids the deep questions, like maybe:
all they’ve given us in return to “How was your day?” is “fine” for the entire school year, so we underestimate their experiences because we have forgotten what it actually feels like to be a kid bursting with emotions.
we’re overwhelmed, frustrated, tired, or distracted.
we fear judgment, upset, or facing difficult conversations.
we just don’t always know the right questions to ask.
By equipping ourselves with open-ended, thought-provoking, and age-appropriate* questions, we better our chances of:
building stronger relationships with the children in our lives.
encouraging kids to feel safe expressing their thoughts and feelings openly with themselves and others.
helping kids to develop critical thinking and problem-solving skills by talking through their issues with an adult they trust.
fostering emotional intelligence and self-awareness.
Sounds great, right? I wish I could help you to feel less overwhelmed, frustrated, tired, or distracted while facing the innate fears of judgment, upset, and difficult conversations... (Seriously, if someone has a quick guide for that, let me know!) But here’s what I can help you with: asking the right questions and listening for a response. Here’s how:
Start with open-ended questions: Ask questions that can't be answered with a simple "yes" or "no." Stumped? Try the 5 W’s. Questions that begin with “who,” “what,” “when,” “where,” and “why” automatically require thought and an answer. Often, these questions can even lead to MORE questions! Bingo! You can find examples of 5W Questions in this download.
Focus on curiosity, not judgment: Encourage kids to explore their feelings about new, challenging or exciting experiences. Ask follow-up questions that allow the child to focus on the 5Ws. Try not to guide their answers; simply sit back and listen. Ask clarifying questions to show you want to understand their perspective.
Don’t react to their “fine” on autopilot; pay attention to nonverbal cues: Body language and facial expressions can reveal more than words. Especially as you both practice communicating with each other in this way, give space and pay attention to what they aren’t saying! Maybe they don’t want to share, but perhaps they just don’t know how. Eventually, you can begin to ask questions based on these cues.
Practice active listening: Minimize distractions, make eye contact, and provide verbal cues like "uh-huh" or "tell me more." Be genuine in your interactions; you’ll be more likely to receive the same in return.
Validate their feelings: Acknowledge and accept their emotions, even if you disagree.
And there you have it! Next time a student comes in with tear-stained cheeks, or you’re answered with a monotonous "fine,” remember that those moments may seem like missed opportunities, but they're also chances to practice truly hearing and being heard.
The truth is that creating genuine connections takes time and effort. It's not about crafting the perfect 504 meeting schedule or having the energy for constant play-dough patrol. Communicating with kids is all about carving out moments, big or small, to truly listen to the children in our lives and know which questions to ask to get there.
By asking thought-provoking questions and actively listening to kids’ responses, we open the door to building stronger relationships, fostering emotional intelligence, and empowering them to navigate their world. It's not always easy, but the rewards of deeper connections and understanding are immeasurable for both grown-ups and kids.
So, next time you interact with a child, try taking a breath and asking a question that goes beyond the surface. Have fun with it! You just might be surprised by what you discover.
*A note on age-appropriate questions: Based on typical social-emotional development, social expectations, problem-solving skills, and memory recall, The 75 Conversation Starters Using The 5W’s is intended for use with children ages 5 and above. Many questions can be interpreted in different ways, though, so use these questions as a guide and get creative! They can be minimized or expanded upon as you see fit. Have suggestions for questions to add? Comment below or email me at madeline@yourcocounselor.com.
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